Ah, Black Friday. The day we've been waiting for all year round is almost upon us again!
The fourth Thursday of November has practically become a religious holiday celebrating the American sacrament of shopping since it all started in 1952. Lately though, hysteria has become a regular occurrence during those sweet, sweet sales. Black Friday is literally killing people!
Black Friday Death Count?
Sound extreme? A website called Black Friday Death Count now keeps track of fatalities and injuries, and it's pretty crazy that this needs to be documented!
We've tracked down some of the freakiest Black Friday moments of mayhem for you to ponder this shopping season. Along the way, we will take a look at some "Cyber Monday" fails, too! Should the electronic version replace the real-life madness?
Let's take a closer look before it's too late:
Stealthy Steals And Deals
Microwaves used to be a big deal. In the 1950s, a completely new method of cooking was introduced. It wasn't a cheap device!
Now, however, it's not really a budget-buster to acquire. Honestly, everyone has a few. One man seems to have missed this market message, we see.
"Not so much a horror story but something I just couldn't believe," VeryLazyLewis wrote on Reddit.
"On Black Friday at ASDA (British Walmart) there were these microwaves at like 70% off. The store was so busy you couldn't move. There were empty shelves all along the aisle up to these microwaves. A guy laid down on the shelf on one shelf and army crawled along the aisle of shelves, grabbed a microwave, and army crawled back with it."
Did he get the microwave of his dreams? It's hard to say, but we enjoyed reading about his special mission! Appliances, conquered.
A Matter Of Life And Death
TV sets have come a long way since their first models 100 years ago, but have we changed a lot as well? The concept of an emergency certainly seems to have changed, at least for one woman on one particular day!
Thebootydiaries wrote, "We had a lady call the police on our store because we sold out of a TV. I really wish I was lying... THEY CAME TOO!"
Imagine receiving this crazy call. The police have better things to do, lady. Perhaps flat-screens need to be restricted if we are this addicted!
Towel Tricks
Imagine standing in line for 14 hours, and then leaving with a lifetime supply of towels. A little anticlimactic, right? As it turns out, at least one shopper disagrees.
"Worked security at Target for 5+ years. For being a store in the rougher part of town, I don't have too many horror stories. The funniest one I like to tell is from a couple of years ago. I was there early doing crowd control. I would always talk to people in line, try to keep them entertained while they waited in the cold. The first couple in line had been there for about 13 or 14 hours. So we open the store, and we have deals on all sorts of electronics, toys, etc. They get in line and have a shopping cart full of towels that we had on sale for $2. That's it. Just towels. They were first in line outside and waited over half a day for $2 towels. When I left after my 12-hour shift, we still had shelves full of these towels, along with tons more in the stockroom."
Your time on earth as a human being is limited, people. You can buy classic towels any day of the week!
Victoria's Vengeance
Those triple bra sales once a year are no laughing matter. But are really they worth a heat of passion manslaughter defense after the holidays? One woman thought so, we see.
"I work at the largest lingerie retailer in the country. We got a security guard last night for the beginning of Black Friday. A southern belle mother decided she didn't want to wait in a 50 person deep line and decided to cut in," kittykatie0629 wrote on Reddit.
"Our security guard asked her multiple times to step to the back of the line or leave. She proceeded to ream him every curse word in the book, and ended by threatening him with a gun she had in her bag," the poster recalled before admitting, "This will be my last holiday in retail."
Calm the hell down, lady! Wait in line like the rest of us and accept your fate in line! It's Black Friday, and that's all part of the communal experience.
Grandpa's Rage
We all have your little eye on something this season. But what does grandpa actually want? Be honest, have you asked him about that lately?
Reddit user AfroBB wrote, "I work at a kids store where almost everything was half-off today. But the thing is I normally help moms and grandparents at the register, so I don't see Best Buy style murder over televisions."
She continued, "I get old ladies yelling at my coworkers over the price of smiley face pillows and women bringing in hundreds of dollars worth of clothing and kiddie makeup they bought weeks before at full price, just to buy it all back right away at sale price - AFTER the return period's over."
"A grandpa shouted, "THIS IS HOGWASH" at me just because I told him we were out of bathrobes. Good times," she concluded.
As it turns out, he might be dreaming of a good, fluffy robe and the thrill of getting a bargain. Buying a bathrobe and beating the system is a serious business, according to this online anecdote. This old man can't be alone in his disappointment! Sold out, you say?
Time Flies
Let's be honest, Urban Outfitters is a real shopping trap any regular day of the week. But Black Friday? Now that is no laughing matter!
Reddit user morganKxoxo wrote, "Worked at Urban Outfitters. It's 7am on Black Friday and I'm in the fitting room making small talk with this mom with like 10 bags while she waits for her teenage son."
"Me: "Wow you already found a lot this morning." Her: "Yeah! We've been here since 10pm!" This freaking lady had been in the mall for 9 HOURS!" the posted exclaimed.
This shop-a-palooza presented extra special challenges for one mom and her his retail-crazed teen. Would you literally shop all night until you drop? Sounds like this walking bag buddy is about to find out!
Food Fight
Kids have gotten into fistfights on the playground from the beginning of civilized human life. It seems that the subject matter of these disagreements has changed with the times, though. Now, Black Friday is tearing our society apart! Think of the children, people.
A Reddit user wrote, "I was working at a GameStop in 2010 on Black Friday. I saw a kid pull a plastic knife from the food court on another kid. I almost passed out laughing."
A plastic knife might not be that threatening, but it sure seems like things are escalating at GameStop. Managers, take note!
Maybe for the good of the human race, an online substitute would solve a lot of problems. Enter, Cyber Monday! Let's take a look at how eCommerce has been going, shall we?
Bomb Bluff
Police were forced to arrest a homeless woman after it became clear she was the voice behind Black Friday bomb threats to Walmart! She was charged with terrorist threats, and taken to jail. One can imagine this was not exactly a good day for funny-business, from Walmart's point of view.
Claiming there was a pipe bomb in the store to 9-11, the woman forced police dogs to sniff it out and stop all sales! While business eventually resumed that day, the loss cannot be denied. Why homeless lady, why?
Don't Cut Me Man
Sometimes, all you want to do is get your job done and clock out for the day. But on Black Friday, things don't always run so smoothly for the employees themselves managing the sales. One worker describes getting sliced during the chaos!
"My first Black Friday, I was working at a Walmart. I was assigned to be one of the employees that would cut open the plastic on the pallets which contained our merchandise, which were all on the floor. As I readied [a] box cutter, I got shoved by a customer, fell right on it, and sliced my hand open. After getting through that and patching it up, I came out on the floor and promptly got punched in the face when I picked up a DVD on the ground. A customer apparently wanted it. Bye Black Friday."
Yikes, at least it was only his hand. Things could have gone far worse, at only a slightly different angle!
See the best of Reddit users tell-all Black Friday fails:
Poop Plans
You may have planned to wait in line, but did you plan how you were going to poop when the time came? One employee discovered a very stinky reality on Black Friday. Be honest, you've thought about it.
Reddit user Dave_Versus_Volcano reports:
"I worked for Best Buy for six years. Everyone knows about the lines where you stand outside. Part of the process is once you get into the store you stand in another line to buy your products. Our manager thought he was particularly smart winding the line through our appliance department. Mind you there are usually 1,500+ people in the building at 6 a.m. (with a line still outside). Well, we get a complaint from one of our patrons. After checking the dryers we found a nice turd in one. Good size solid consistency just sitting there. A lady who did not want to lose her spot opened the dryer and pooped right there in front of everyone. I decided that day even though I may want stuff; I will never defecate in front of an entire crowd of people for a $799 50" plasma TV."
Yikes, Dave!
Brown Friday
One customer was apparently so worked up about the madness on shopping day that they expressed themselves with a little artistry. A little unconventional, to put it mildly.
No deal is worth pooping all over the floor, is it? This employee is probably traumatized for life! A stinky association with this calendar day has been made, that's for sure. Steals and deals, or smears and fears?
Endless Doo Doo
Look, people love their dogs. It's hard to be without them for extended periods of time, but do these animals really care about flatscreen TV blowout bargains? No way man!
Logistically, no one planned out the hourly pooch poops involved with this shopping plan. A major no-no! Dogsitting could be a big Black Friday business, entrepreneur readers.
What A Jerkoff
Poop doesn't seem to be the only Black Friday hazmat problem going on in retail anymore. One unlucky customer learned the hard way that this event brings out the worst in all of us. Or could it be that it brings out the worst of us?
Yes, it seems the worst people in the world decide to just pop out in public that day and take advantage of the chaos. If we find you sir, no explanation is going to cut it for this one. Run and hide, buddy!
Friday Bloody Friday
Walmarts all over the country probably have their fair share of Black Friday horror stories, but this one may take the cake! Heart surgery is no small thing, and it turns out that the wound doesn't heal as quickly as this year's shopping deals require!
Did this disappearing customer not notice all the blood during the retail rumble? Seems hard to miss, but it seems that saving hundreds of dollars on Christmas gifts can really cloud the mind. Stay away, recovering patients!
Those Damn DVD's
Who even knew that they make DVD's anymore? Perhaps they don't, and this Reddit user is just recalling fond memories from a decade ago. And by fond, we do mean terrible and traumatizing.
Evidently, there are many incidents involving box cutters on this very special day. Perhaps planning ahead, there should be none on the Friday floor! Safety first, everybody.
Bread Brawl
Toast with a bit of melted butter can really warm the soul on those cold Christmas mornings. Perhaps this holiday gift is underappreciated by most of us!
Well, these two seem to understand the value of being able to crisp your own bread, whenever, wherever. Fights have truly broken out over far less on this crazy thread!
Coffee Crazy
Perhaps few of us have thought about the impact that so much shopping has on area food services. Starbucks is a great example! Every single person in line for an hour probably needs a hot, toasty pumpkin latte to manage their anxiety. And it seems many of them know it!
Getting hot coffee thrown in every direction near your head is probably more than what most of us are willing to tolerate just to save money at the mall. No thanks, buddy — we'll try Amazon next year!
Peace And Quiet
Many of us probably forget that all businesses are open, not just Best Buy. So what happens to all these other places when the entire town is booked for Christmas shopping? An anti-Black Friday exists, too!
In the case of this ghost town grocery store, it seems the employees actually got a vacation day in disguise. Best day of the year for grocery baggers, we say!
Pet-palooza
Pets are probably not getting that many holiday gifts, let's be honest. For that reason, it's no surprise all that Petco might have a slower day than the rest of the retail giants in the neighborhood. It's not right, it's not fair, but it's reality that fluffy is not the center of attention just on this one day of the year.
One out-of-touch manager missed the message, it seems. Seven people? Walmart laughs in your face, Petco maanger!
Bite Me Bro
Tickle Me Elmo strikes again. But this time, it's not tickles and games. One officer learned the hard way that Black Friday is prime time for the straight up crazies out there!
A human bite can actually be dangerous like an animal bite, and this incident is no laughing matter. Poor guy, just trying to protect us all!
Murder On His Mind
Killing someone in broad daylight is usually not the strategy criminal prefer. Especially in front of 20 security cameras, but what do we know? On Black Friday, all bets are off.
One crazed customer decided a nearby sign might really make a great shank. He wasn't wrong, but it seems the worker got away in the end. Did this violent shopper have a Merry Merry Christmas from jail? We hope not! Stay home, crazies.
Total Nightmare
While it sounds like every minute of this retail rally is hell on earth for employees, one person was actually haunted in their dreams off the clock! God help us all.
When things have gotten this intense, it might be time for a vacation. Perhaps the War in Afghanistan would be a nice place to relax, far away from civilization and the concept of shopping itself. Sounds peaceful, at least compared to Black Friday!
Plan T
Some people have been around the block before. Like this lady, for example.
It seems she knew exactly what was coming in 24 hours, and boy did she plan ahead. This is a great idea, as long as everyone else doesn't realize it's an option. Imagine the entire town hiding all the goodies in weird places throughout the store the day before the sale! Not a great strategy at that point, but this sneaky shopper still is low key for now.
Sick Day Surprise
It really shouldn't shock anyone that the day after the chaos and trauma, a lot of employees will need some mental time off! And in the case of some deranged customer satisfaction incidents, employees may need physical healing as well.
Well, the unlucky chap who actually shows up is going to deal with a lot of work all on his own. Maybe managers should pay overtime for the next day willing and able folks? Just a suggestion, everybody.
Ample Trample
Crowds are actually something many people fear. And for good reason! Getting run over by a crazed mob is fear based in plenty of reality. Just ask these Black Friday shoppers!
Thankfully, it sounds like no one was seriously injured. But Black Friday Death Count shows us that things do not always have a happy ending, do they? Stay safe this year, people.
Let's see if things are safer online for Cyber Monday...
Teddy Long Legs
Cyber Monday online shopping fails:
This teddy bear looked so cute sitting in the green grass, just waiting on Amaz0n to come home with the customer. So normal, really.
But one buyer seems to feel this item was horrifying in real life. What is the problem, exactly?
Clearly, the proportions for this stuffed guy were not even close to the stock image. Who designed this monstrosity, honestly? One star, 'legs are awful'!
Purple Problems
If you're looking to quickly revamp a room, try buying an accent rug in a bold color. As Queer Eye For The Straight Guy taught us all, one great new piece can really modernize the interior design of any living space. One man attempted to follow this advice. And what did he get for his troubles?
A tiny, royal purple rug. Brought to him by the internet, it's safe to say that the size looked a little bit different than what was advertised. Unless it was photographed next to a tiny dog sofa, that is. Totally unspecified!
Lady in Red
Dylan Tweeted ASOS the following, after his order for black pants was somehow mixed up with this fabulous red dress: "Ayy @ASOS (I might be wrong) but, I’m pretty sure you’ve sent me the wrong order." You don't say!
To their credit, ASOS replied: "Ayy Mr. Dylan, you are definitely rocking that dress! Please send over your 9 digit order number and your ASOS registered an email address in a DM and we can organize a cheeky swap to happen?" Nice, ASOS. Better late than never!
Makeup Your Mind
Some items shipped to us defy explanation. Twitter user Jenna got a piece of mail just like that and shared the terror with us all on social media. Where can we even begin in this guessing game?
Is this a chipmunk inside of a plastic egg? If so, is he okay? Jenna, we hope you eventually get the answers and the makeup you truly deserve.
Diamond Dupe
On the left, we have glamour and glitz. And on the right, a sad face and two boob pancake pasties.
The fit and cut of the dress are not appealing at all, to put it mildly. Online ordering gone terribly wrong, we say!
Most of the time, alterations can make a dress fit better. In this case, it's better off in the garbage! Was this a deal or a steal, from the other end?
Not My Kid, Not My Pillow
Of course, the Dinosaur Kids pillowcase. Imagine reading this description and ordering a dinosaur pillow, but receiving a pillowcase with a picture of a child sleeping on a dinosaur-shaped pillow. Pretty meta!
It's probably safe to say there were zero satisfied customers on this one. In the name of dinosaurs, we object! Jeff Bezos, please fix this Mesozoic mess.
Crap-tastic Crochet
Crop tops are a great piece for any girls summer wardrobe. And crochet is light for the beach, easy as a cover-up at the pool.
One mom was not so happy with the woven crop top her daughter received in the mail, though. Despite being almost perfect, there was one little issue bothering them: The size only fits the family cat!
Sadly, the cat also hates this little piece of crochet. Utterly useless, even for the pets! Zero stars, total fail.
Yeezy Breezy Beautiful
In 2015, the Yeezy Boost line took the fashion world by storm. Designed by Kanye West, these were not cheap sneakers! Many fans were disappointed because they knew they couldn't afford this latest trend from Adidas, and the internet offered "better deals". Or did it?
Unfortunately, these shoes don't look anything like the original design. They look just plain silly!
Purple Drain
To the casual shopper, this contrast dress looks very fashion-forward on the model. Sadly, reality did not match up with fantasy when one girl ordered this peek-a-boo style online. Yikes, this is mangled!
A square neck, no delicate tie around the waist, and a potato sack fit are the just the beginning of this fashion fraud. This is utterly unwearable outside! Perhaps she now has a cozy new nightgown inside?
Hoe Woes
Any chance this customer feels a little bit insulted? We're going to go with yes. Being hopeless is one thing, but being "hoelesss" is another thing altogether!
Hopefully, this retailer has a standard return policy. If not, this bad twitter publicity should be the nudge needed. The devil is in the details, and this is a pretty evil choker!
Red Riding Mess
This smiling woman doesn’t seem to remember seeing that the material of the dress was a “circus tent”. Online ad deception? It cannot be true!
Sometimes buying things cheaply ends up being more expensive, grandma always said. Next time, go to a brick and mortar shop!
On the bright side, at least the Halloween costume rush is covered.
Pajama Prank
This lady Tweeted, "So, I thought I ordered this really cute wifey nightgown but this is what I got instead." Close, but no cigar. What is this mess marketed as a sexy wifey tee? And for $38, no less!
No one could see the sleeves, the length, or even the fabric is close to what is advertised. And the size? Don't get us started!
Define Small
Shopping online sometimes means it's hard to judge the sizes of different brands out there. We try our best, but the models are photoshopped. And how tall are they, anyway? The proportions can be mysterious, but one woman had an especially surprising time with her skirt order.
Is this size extra-extra-extra-extra-extra-small?
Barely fitting around her thigh, this item is better off for a toddler. Hopefully, she has one, or this is going straight to the dump!
Stilts Not Included
ASOS, not you again! It looks like one customer ordered skinny jeans in a standard size, but what exactly did he receive?
It's hard to imagine who these were designed for, besides the professional basketball class. Maybe they like to wear jeans in their free time, like the rest of us! Skinny jeans though, perhaps not.
Seeing Sideways
Cat people are a special breed. An entire industry seems to have developed around them to properly show off their passion for kitties. And rings are a great way to do that! Strangely, these animal accessories look a little bit different offline and in reality. Notice anything odd?
It's not like they are a total fail, we suppose. Dog rings, for example. But are these sideways felines different than the picture? Yes, they are off by 90 degrees!
Elderly Erruption
One internet user describes a granny fight we need to see to believe! Sadly, all we have is the second-hand account:
"By far the best was three grandmothers getting into a literal fistfight over the last Furby. A full-on brawl, rolling around on the floor, kicking and punching. Nobody knew what to do. It took two women and a manager to pull them apart. It was the most screwed up thing I've ever seen."
Who knew these creepy little bird-monsters were all the rage these days? We suspect this is not the case at all, actually.
Ladies, this was a 90s trend gone wild. Get with the times!
Pepper Power
At one LA Walmart, things got pretty spicy on Black Friday. Peppery, even.
A 32-year-old woman doused a crowd with pepper spray as she fled with an X-Box on special. What was her excuse for this outrageous shopping strategy?
About 20 customers were harmed by the disgusting spray, but the woman in question claimed she was trying to escape from them! Self-defense, in fact. When adults started attacking her children to get a limited number of X-Box consoles, she drew the line. Police did not charge her with a crime!
Just Shoot Me
Madness erupted at an Alabama mall when a shooter opened fire during Black Friday sales, and police rushed in to stop the violence against crowds of very distracted people. Were they successful?
A 12-year-old girl and an 18-year-old were wounded, making police very nervous at the Riverchase Galleria near Birmingham as shoppers ran and screamed during the open fire.
Sadly, an officer killed Emantic Bradford by mistake. In the chaos, he was holding a gun, and they thought he was the shooter! At only 21, this would be his last Black Friday. So sad!
Ciao, Children
New York police arrested a man who left his kids alone in a hotel. Was there some kind of emergency, keeping him away? He must have gotten into some unexpected trouble! Was he kidnapped? Surely he had a good defense, and this was all a tragic misunderstanding.
Nope, just a shopping emergency! Apparently he and his wife wanted to finish their Black Friday deal hunting in peace and left a young boy and a handicapped 11-year-old girl alone in the middle of the night to make sure they got in line early.
Perhaps a November PSA is needed so people understand this is a real no-no!