Do you drive, or have you ever driven a car? Unfortunately, getting stuck in traffic can quickly turn into a nightmare, and the more time we waste staring at the car in front of us, the more stressed we get. Well, while you’re out there tapping the steering wheel, we’re sure you must have seen tens and hundreds of bumper stickers on the back of other vehicles.
Why does anyone bother with bumper stickers in the first place? They don't really make sense when you think about it. Imagine driving behind a car at 70 mph and trying to read that little message there. Are they supposed to keep us entertained during a jam? Maybe so. In any case, here's a compilation of some of the funniest bumper stickers people drove their cars with.
Expectations Subverted
You may think you’ve seen an obnoxious little bumper sticker like this before. But take a closer look. Whoever made this sticker knows how much of a time sink it is to type a whole website into your browser of choice—and how little time anybody, drivers included, has to do such a thing these days.
In an effort to save you, dear reader, the time and effort, we went ahead and tried visiting the website “websiteyouwillnevergoto.org.” However, do you know what we saw? Nothing. We were expecting a “congratulations,” at the very least. To put it simply, we feel duped and slightly disappointed.
Not Exactly The Batmobile
We had no idea the Batmobile had decals. Our opinion is that these kinds of car mods aren’t efficient in any meaningful way. Isn't keeping a low profile (while maintaining one's cool) Batman’s whole deal? What's the point of putting theme music on a bumper sticker?
Alfred's to-do list just got a little bit longer because it now includes removing a sticker. There is enough to worry about for the poor man, Bruce. Also, we’re not sure if it's “Da Da Da Da…” isn’t it “Na Na Na Na Na?” Maybe it’s one of the reboot’s theme songs—it’s hard to keep up!
A Sticker Fooled Me
Driving a Mercedes can give other people the impression that you are more successful than someone who isn’t driving one. In some circumstances, this perception may be justified. In others, not so much. To put it another way, at least from a monetary standpoint.
Nobody has ever come close to matching the level of ingenuity required to design a bumper sticker that automatically burns anyone who looks at it. Maybe that’s why they pay this guy the big bucks.
Slow Troll
If you follow this vehicle too closely, you will get trolled. This is just one of many “fun-loving” individuals you will meet during your time on the road. You know, much like the driver who tries to reverse-park in the place you are going, who fully merits corporal discipline.
This sticker for the windshield was designed to educate children, or at least highlight the attitude of the driver, and we fully support that goal. The question is, where do we buy one?
Honk or Hunk?
Did the driver place this bumper sticker on the back of their car? Did the person who placed this not have any compunctions about revealing their personal information to the rest of the world? Or was this little yellow sticker slapped on the car as a prank?
In any case, you have to give the guy credit for carrying on despite the situation—because, with all the honking, he’d be bound to get wise if it were a prank. This is someone who is completely confident with his masculinity, and we respect that.
Why Isn't Everyone Driving a Prius?
We admire this driver's self-deprecating sense of humor; not everyone would be able to make fun of their own vehicle in such a way. However, it does make us wonder why certain people have such a negative opinion of the Toyota Prius.
Even though they aren't quite Batmobiles, don't they fulfill all the roles usually required of a car? Do they not have ordinary wheels, seats, a gas tank, or emotions? Okay, emotional awareness might not be something a car needs—but aren't these other features sufficient?
Pika-Pika Chuu!
Pikachu is a familiar character to anyone who has seen the Pokemon series. This adorable electric creature has the cutest face and a voice to match, which is precisely what makes this sticker so hilarious. It’s the contrast between cuteness and crudeness.
We’re not sure that’s the exact quote, but close enough. Have you ever become frustrated with a driver who changes lanes right in front of you? We don’t think they wouldn't be able to see the sticker on the back, but maybe this is for after you’ve managed to overtake them.
Driving Straight
In the same way that some people want to wear their heart on their sleeve, others prefer to put it on the back of their automobile. Just like the owner of the Subaru who affixed this sticker to the back of their trunk, proclaiming proudly to the word their sexual orientation.
They appear to have a rainbow-colored heart, but their driving skills are a little shaky. And while we have nothing against the rainbow nation, we believe the other issue might be resolved with a few hours of instruction from a driving teacher.
Support The Lost
Please do not misunderstand us; we are enthusiastic supporters of the search and rescue effort. But when we think of supporting this institution, we think of participating in more traditional activities instead. You know, things like volunteering or collecting donations in the street.
It would appear that we are being asked to think outside the box (and sense) and embark on an adventure across the unbeaten path in some desolate wilderness. We are grateful to you for bringing that option to the table, but we must politely decline.
Crossing Over
Texting and driving are two activities that should never be combined. Unless, of course, the destination you're seeking is the afterlife via your own untimely death. This sticker right here very much encapsulates this sentiment.
The only thing that worries us is that the lettering is so small that any driver who has to strain their eyes in order to read it might be just as distracted as someone who is typing on their phone while driving. Maybe that’s the idea—who knows.
Passive Aggressive
This sentence is a great example of passive aggression. It’s self-awareness, sarcasm, and insult all rolled into one polite bumper sticker. It is nothing if not poetry in its purest form.
Just take a look at this sticker to see how wonderfully it captures the frustration of having to travel in close proximity to disrespectful drivers on a daily basis. It is quite moving. How really sophisticated. It ought to win a Pulitzer. We’d like to have this inscribed on our gravestone.
Looking At Mr. Right
Looking at the back of a car might reveal a lot about a person's personality and habits. Take this particular driver as an example. This Boulder, Colorado, local isn't interested in his ex-wife any longer, but he's completely enamored by Michael Cera.
In addition, we are aware that he is a self-proclaimed terrible driver and a proud parent. It is essentially a comprehensive biography presented in the guise of a slowly rolling motor vehicle. We’d probably stay away from this one—both in terms of driving distance and distance in general.
Don't Get Too Close
There are many reasons to maintain a healthy distance from the car in front of you. Being safe should be enough. This driver believes that while being safe should be sufficient, listing a few more precautions to the driver behind can’t hurt and decides to do so.
One thing bothers us, however. Who drives a stick these days? Stick shifts? Aren't they a thing of the past? So why are manual transmissions still in use when self-driving cars become the norm? Either way, he’s really sticking it to whoever’s stuck behind him.
You're Always Cool
Breaking news: anyone can be cool. You can't just have it and then lose it. That's not possible. Whatever cool quality you believe you no longer have, it's still in there somehow, even if you don't feel it at the moment. It’s a state of mind, baby.
What does cool even mean anyway? It’s a relative term! Have you ever thought about the fact that the younger you from middle school would probably consider yourself pretty amazing just because you own a car and can drive it? We think so!
Do you Really Believe in that?
As fellow residents of planet earth and mortals, everything we thought we knew about the nature of humanity is called into question by the presence of this sticker. Everyone is constantly preoccupied with the idea of living forever and never growing old.
It seems the art of graceful aging is lost to the world. Is it time to quit getting facials and put on sunscreen? To be honest, embracing the bumper sticker's suggestion sounds like a fantastic way to save money. And when you die, someone else will have to remortgage their house to pay for your funeral.
Be Mindful With What You Say
We don't know what to make of this. Who could possibly feel angry when there's a piece of cheesecake on the line? Maybe someone who is lactose intolerant? That would probably be a good reason to be angry at dessert.
You can communicate wrath without filthy words using stand-in words such as fork, fudge, shirts, and shifts. However, in our opinion, those rated PG options don't have the same impact as the real thing. Fudge it!
Proudly Honoring Jack Black
There's a good chance you've never heard of Tenacious D, but “Tribute” is the band's biggest song, written by Jack Black and Kyle Gass. In addition, it's one of the funniest songs ever written. If you’re wearing speakers or alone, tab out, check it out, and rock out.
You have to hear it for yourself to get the full effect of the sticker, which quotes the lyrics of the single perfectly, thanks to the make of the car. This isn’t the greatest joke in the world—this is just a tribute.
The Dog of Leonardo da Vinci
It's easy for your day trip to be ruined by bad traffic, aggressive drivers, and other negligent motorists. Occasionally, however, you'll see a dog leaning out the window, tongue hanging out, enjoying the ride, and it will instantly brighten your mood.
The situation is exactly the same with this car and the dog it carries about. But, you might wonder, what happens when the windows are shut? Because this cocker spaniel enjoys drawing on the glass when there is no breeze, it also makes everyone's day a little more cheerful.
Good Deal
It appears as though someone is holding a sale. It seems a fairly decent deal—hit this guy and get a free, fruity alcoholic beverage. Alright, we know that he isn’t talking about that kind of punch. This guy is interested in getting into a fight, or at least it seems that way.
Even if we have never needed such services, we can surely think of a few situations where they may be helpful, such as a shady alleyway, late nights outside a suspicious bar, or outside of a stadium after a major sporting event. We can practically taste the new business opportunities that are about to arise.
Are You Willing to Take a Risk?
We are curious about the source of this lady's statistics. Is it something along the lines of 23andMe? Is it enough to just send a DNA sample off to some faraway lab and then wait a few weeks for the findings to come back?
Would they also consider a person's average level of sarcasm? Or annoying tendencies? It’s nice that people are willing to advertise this stuff to strangers. It’s helpful to know who 51% avoid and 49% stay clear from entirely.
Common Name
This might be one of the edgiest car bumper stickers of all time. What could anyone possibly have against Helen Keller? Oh right. For a moment there, we forgot which timeline we were living in. Yes, we can certainly imagine a driver having a problem with someone campaigning for the rights of workers, women, and disabled people.
Someone has to take the blame for all that de-industrialization and those economic downturns. It may as well be the downtrodden. Well, perhaps it isn't that Helen Keller. Maybe it’s a Helen Heller from this driver’s high school? Maybe this Helen was a bully? Who can say?
Stupidity Begets Stupidity
There will always be foolish people in the world. Just like our monkey cousins, they will always be around to remind us of how far we’ve come. But what monkeys don’t have is the ability to obtain a driving license and purchase an unnecessarily large gas guzzler.
This bumper sticker is here to serve as a gentle reminder that after we have finished basking in the glory of our superior intelligence, there is a way to make the ignorant a little more bearable: take the bus.
I've got your mum
Are we really getting this personal with each other, even indirectly, via a bumper sticker? We can't help but wonder how many honks and rude drivers this person has to deal with on a daily basis. How, upon arrival, does he even manage to step outside of his car?
…Because our mothers are quite elderly now and it’s difficult helping them out of the car, being as frail as they are. We’re just happy that someone is willing to take them out of the old folks' home. Thanks, random driver!
Express Yourself
Do you ever find yourself wandering through this world with the impression that no one truly understands you? Unfortunately, that seems to be something many people go through. Many people who struggle to express themselves through words choose artistic mediums.
But there are some folks out there who can’t stand the idea of art or artists, despite the fact that most human culture (at least the good stuff) came about because of an artist or two. It just makes the place seem too interesting and textured! Bah! Discourage them while they’re young.
Quite The MessThis one is bound to cause car crashes. Is there anything we can do about the massive decal smack dab in the middle of the rear window? Or perhaps we might mention the slightly unusual Maine license plate? There’s a lot going on here.
How about we bring your attention to the bumper sticker that is located on the right side of this vehicle? We’re not sure why this guy would want to go to the old folks’ home so often, but if he wants to take out our dear ma, then we don’t want to stop him.
Is Math Really Necessary?
Math is overrated, in our opinion. We will even go so far as to argue that it is the most overvalued subject the educational system has to offer. We all carry around calculators in our pockets. What could possibly be wrong with delegating some mathematical question to one of those?
As long as this driver managed to 100% pass their driver’s test, then we’re fractionally okay with it to the power of ten—whatever that means. Alright, fine. Math wasn’t our best subject during high school.
You Drive Batman's Mobile?
Isn't the color of the Batmobile supposed to be dark? Maybe Batman figured it would be fun to have it repainted and then rent it out to others for joyrides. New batarangs? In this economy? We also can’t think why a vehicle would require jet fuel in order to function.
The driver is probably just being dramatic. He probably just wants to seem like the edgiest of the edge lords out there. Car culture sure does bring out the best in humans, don’t you think?
We've Been Duped
It's one thing to be duped by a person but quite another to be duped by a whimsical windshield decal. It's one thing for real people to be funny, but what about inanimate things that may make you feel like an idiot? It’s a humiliating experience, to say the least.
We sincerely hope that you see this on a mobile device, such as a phone or a tablet, so that you can simply rotate the screen to read it rather than craning your neck and looking like a fool like we did. Oh, the sacrifices we make.
Like Real Men
There are a lot of different notions about what it means to be a true man floating around. Some are more harmful (to men as well) than others. Imagine being proud of having a limited emotional range but being interested in things like sports and monster trucks.
On the other hand, this sticker alters the dynamic, suggesting that real men simply die in automobiles lacking airbags. We wish we'd learned more quickly to help the men in our lives. In all honesty, though—here’s how to be a real man: decide you’re a real man. There. Done.
True Love in Area 51
You know, even in the real world, people can find love. The relationship doesn't have to be based solely on apps and acquaintances. Look up, and you may discover what you have been searching for. You never know what you're going to find—out there.
Take a look at this particular driver. In Area 51, he found love and is now proudly displaying it on the back of his car. Who knows what happened to this happy pair. It's entirely possible that the woman was feeling homesick and opted to return to her own planet.
What's The Point?
It's true that people rarely change their beliefs after seeing a bumper sticker, no matter how poignant they may seem, but the real question is: has it ever occurred to you that this is not what these stickers are for?
From our perspective, the sole purpose of a bumper sticker is to allow people to express their personal views in a visible way. It's also a nice thing to do—providing a distraction for those who are also trapped in traffic.
Keep Your Distance
A good rule of thumb is to maintain a respectful distance from processed meals, toxic people, hungry wolves, and of course, other drivers. It's common sense! You never know when any of those things will slam on the breaks and ride right up your left nostril.
This bumper sticker is a good reminder of the importance of maintaining a sense of humor during your daily commute. Keep your distance, and you'll be fine. Once you and the other person have exited your respective vehicles, you can give each other a hug. Right?
Very Confused
At first, you might feel a bit daunted by all of this. You might easily give up reading all of the bumper stickers on this vehicle. But it was only because of one sticker that we were able to bring this image with us. Which one are you thinking of?
Our favorite sticker is the red one, which stands out in a sea of empowering and socially conscious messaging. "Think. It hasn't been made illegal yet." We think this would look great on a number of different hoods.
Not That Funny
This may be a modernized version of the classic "Kick Me" sign that every bully in school has used at least once, except this time with a twist. We love the spunk of whoever put this daring signage on this cop car. We love how perfectly it blends in with the rest of the paint.
If we may be real with you for a second, though—who doesn’t love this activity? It’s a nice relaxing release after, presumably, an uncomfortable buildup. It’s a very human thing to do—especially if you have a dairy diet and a habit of sitting down all day.
The Walking Dad
Soccer moms with their minivans have become a staple in today’s society. So perhaps a nice dad-mobile is in order to balance things out? We couldn't contain our excitement when we saw the decal on the windshield.
We are following closely behind you, dads! You can count on our unwavering support no matter where you go. Please don't hesitate to get in touch with us whenever you find yourself in need of someone to share a beer with.
Question Everything
If you told us that this car contained Socratise's reincarnated soul, then we wouldn’t be surprised. Perhaps because his owner is not a philosophy major, he was forced to condense his ideas into a single bumper sticker and hope for the best.
In addition to the questions listed above, we have a few more to raise. Is time even a thing? Or, if money is nothing more than a series of numbers displayed on a bank computer, are we enslaved to machines?
What Happened?
Sometimes, life after school hits you in a way you just can’t expect. The belief is that if you achieve good grades in school, do what you’re told, and take on a few student loans—then you'll be a better person or have success in the future. That's a sweet lie, to be sure.
Until we're older, we don't realize how random life is and how obsolete standardized testing can be. If we're lucky, we'll be old enough to have one of these bumper stickers by the time we manage to pay off the car.
It's Bacteria Time!
There are moments in life when you're so fed up with humanity that you want to abandon it altogether. One of these moments can be encountered on the early morning commute. So let us be reminded of the bright side of life with this bumper sticker.
No matter how startlingly devoid of culture any of our fellow humans may appear to be, you can always bank on the fact that they have at least a shard of culture hidden somewhere inside of them, usually in their tummies.
Let's Go, Brandon!
I guess it's never any different with Brandon. Brandon is nowhere near ready to leave, despite the rest of his family waiting at the door, with their hair done, ties done, and shoes shined and ready to go. Actually, this bumper doesn’t have anything to do with that guy.
This is actually a coded reference to the 46th president of the United States, Joe Biden. It’s a coded message you can use at thanksgiving that means, “He’s my number one choice in the voting booth—but don’t tell grandpa!”
Alcohol and Math
Alcohol consumption does have some positive effects. It potentially makes you more receptive, friendlier, more self-assured, and even fluent in another language, provided that you already know another one. However, imbibing beverages can be highly detrimental to your mathematical abilities.
Remove any traces of alcohol from your system before participating in a mathematical competition or taking a related test. And definitely don’t drop your calculator into your drink unless it was manufactured over 21 years ago.